Buddhist Counselling On Pre-Marrage

Contents

v Introduction

v Requirement of Pre-marriage counselling in the current society

v Buddhism and Pre-marriage counselling

v Benefits which can gain from Pre marriage counselling

v Personal viewpoints on Pre marriage counselling

v Conclusion

v Bibliography

Introduction

Agreeing to the approach of the Sri Lankan society, directed by the most stable substantial doctrine in the world, marriage is a union that assured two individuals physically, Loyally and psychologically. The partners of such a union are not entitled satisfy their unfiltered impulses. They lived as partners of a union that is governed by mutual love and affection, trust and responsibility.

But unfortunately, nowadays courts fill with full of divorce matters and day by day it increases the number of people who need to separate from their husband or wife. Under this condition, their children and families suffer more than them. The result is types of situations create a different kinds of mental disorders without knowing. Therefore, pre marriage counselling is a basic requirement of the society. Through this assignment I would like to discuss this topic with more facts according to Buddhism.

Requirement of Pre marriage counselling in the current society

Pre marriage counselling is one or more counselling sessions in which a trained professional consults and advises an engaged couple. The counsellor may be a religious official or a lay counsellor and his role is to gently allow the couple to discover several different areas of the relationship. The counselor's duty is to bring any disagreements, conceptual prospects and communication issues to light and then the couple can further discuss these areas.

Working through communication and expectation issues with a trained counsellor allows a couple to excavate their understanding of each other and of the relationship as a whole. The counsellor begins discussions that the couple may not have otherwise engaged themselves in to stop future problems from happening. After pre marriage counselling, the couple is more ready to join each other in marriage with the understanding that problem and disagreements can be resolved and with the guarantee that their life goals are the same.

With nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, premarital counselling should be required when couples are considering getting married. In pre marriage counselling, couples will learn how to develop the skills to communicate in a marriage, identify possible struggle areas, and learn how to direct their way through difficult questions.

Pre marriage counselling is normally sought out during an engagement, but it is also necessary and useful for those expecting marriage. Pre marriage counselling can be beneficial for couples who are not sure about their next step, as well as those who are already engaged and preparing for marriage.

Premarriage advising can help a person in a relationship, who is “non-committal,” learn what barriers they may have to oblige. Counselling can help a couple resolve issues they cannot seem to get past, and it can definitely help educate couples on the realities of marriage.

Just because people do premarriage counselling does not mean “they are getting married.” In fact, some couples go through counselling and find it best that they do not follow marriage, and they both go on to separately live happy, healthy lives.

Benefits of premarriage counselling are virtually endless. Research has shown that it can reduce divorce rates and control pre-marriage concerns. That said, people do not have to have a problem to seek premarriage counselling. Counselling can be used to strengthen their relationship and help them communicate better, helping to prevent conflicts that may lay ahead. This type of counselling can also help open up discussions that a couple feel uncomfortable bringing up themselves. Receiving counselling does not mean something is “wrong” with them. It means that they are strong enough to learn how to prevent future problems.

Buddhism and pre marriage counselling

There are several number of suttas which take a valuable effort to discuss about Buddhist Family pre marriage Counselling in the Pali canon.

Examples : MahŒparinibbŒna sutta, Agga––a Sutta, Uggaha Sutta, SighŒlovŒda sutta,

                   Pattakamma Sutta, Migasāla Sutta, Sabbrahma Sutta,

                   Vasala Sutta, ParŒbhava Sutta, MahŒgovinda Sutta, îvenika dukka sutta

                   SattabhariyŒ Sutta, Mallikā Sutta, Sakkanamassa Sutta

                   Cullavedella Sutta, Vatthu Sutta, Natthiputta Sutta, Dhītu Sutta,

                   Vepulla Sutta, Vanijja Sutta, Vyaggapajja Sutta, Kinti Sutta, SabbŒsava sutta,

                   Kosambi Sutta, MahŒnŒma Sutta, Itthibandhana Sutta, sanvŒsa sutta

                   Purisa  Bandhana Sutta, SŒma Jataka and Māthuposatha Jātaka 

Among above suttas, I would like to ellustrate some of suttas which is more important in pre marriage counselling.

îvenika Dukkha Sutta

There are some special incidents happen in the woman's life which a man never experienced in his entire lifetime. Those are,

01.  When women get married she has to go away from her family members, her house and neighbours.

02.  Women have a period once a month which man never has to experience.

03.  Woman conceives and tolerate all inconvenience during that time.

04.  Woman delivers babies and feed them from her on the breast.

A man should have a clear idea about these incidents because it emphasises the dedication which women do without displaying. Therefore she needs protection from her husband as same as she was protected by her family. Also husband should care about her and pay attention to her during the times she is uncomfortable in natural incidendents.

Women’s feelings can change during the time when she suffers from physical problems. So the husband should able to understand her and help her to get rid of her suffer with a compassionate mind.

SanvŒsa Sutta (Aºguttara NikŒya)

The Buddha explained that there are four ways a man and a woman can live together such as,

Ø  A man like a dead body  (chovo) lives with a woman like a dead body  (chāvā)

Ø   A man like a dead body  (chovo) lives a with a woman like a goddess (devi)

Ø  A man like a god (devo) lives with a woman like a dead body  (chāvā) 

Ø   A man like a god (devo) lives a with a woman like a goddess (devi)

This explanation illustrates the way a person should choose a life partner. He/She should able to identify the good qualities which life partner have and if she/he some bad qualities, they can correct it by advising them. Some people never smile and always get angry for small reasons. They are spoiling their lives as well as others lives. These types of people should take advise from someone to control their bad feelings. If not they may spend their lives as a corpse in their family life.

Sigalovada sutta (Dīgha NikŒya)

This Sutta mentioned about the duties both husband and wife have to perform in the married life.

Duties of a wife to her husband

Ø  performing her duties (susanvihita kammanta)

Ø  show the friendliness to both family members (susangahita parijana),

Ø  looking over the things brought family (samhatan anurakkhanti)

Ø  enthusiastic and skillful discharge of all her duties (dakkhava hoti anlasa sabbanivesu)

Duties of a husband to his wife

Ø  showing respect (sammāna),

Ø  being courteous (avamānna),

Ø  being faithful (anatichariya),

Ø  giving to authourity  (issariya vossaggaha)

Ø  providing her with adornments (alankāranappadanena)

Sexual diseases become the most dangerous problem in the modern world. Prostitution is the main reason for that. The husband might able to satisfy himself only from his wife and the wife should able to satisfy herself only from her husband. If not the family faith is destroyed and a lot of social and physical problems (Sexual diseases) also can occur.

Satta bhariyŒ sutta (Aºguttara NikŒya)

The Sattabhariy ( Sutta defines seven types of wives, based on their attitude towards their husband.

1.      Vadhaka BharyŒ (executioner)

She is a wife who's rough and inconsiderate to her husband. She is described as pitiless, fond of other men and neglectful, even contemptuous, of her husband.[1]

2.      Chori BharyŒ (robber)

She who wastes her husband's wealth and spoils in secret disobedience. She wastes the family wealth and dishonest with her husband, especially as regards money.

3.      Ayya BharyŒ (master)

 A wife who lords over her husband. She is critical, rude and indelicately spoken when it suits her, lazy and dictatorial.

4.      Bhagini BharyŒ (sister)

She who's obedient and adores her husband as if he was her elder brother. She defers to her husband as she would her older brother. She is modest and is obedient to her lord and master (her husband) and wishes to please him in every way.

5.      Sakh´ BharyŒ (friend)

 She who is trustworthy, concerned and attached as if her husband is her best friend. Sakha means “intimate friend”. An alternate translation for sakhibhariya is “companion-wife”. Through friendship and love she is devoted to him.[2]

6.      DŒsi BharyŒ (servant)

dŒsibhariyŒ  is a wife who never tires of working to please her husband. DŒsi in Pali appears to mean “slave-woman” or “slave-servant”. Alternate translations include “slavelike wife”. She is patient, endangered, and submits to him even when he is mad. She obediently receives physical punishment whenever her husband so desires to deliver it, and is unquestionably submissive to him.[3]

7.      MŒtu BharyŒ (mother)

She who is loving, concerned, attentive and protective as if her husband is her son. She treats her husband like her son in every way, being compassionate and kind, as well as caring responsibly after his wealth.

A good couple should open their hearts to one another and to refrain from entertaining secrets. Keeping secrets to oneself could lead to suspicion and suspicion is the element that could destroy love in a partnership. Suspicion raises jealousy, jealousy creates anger, anger develops hatred, hatred turns into enmity and enmity could cause untold suffering including bloodshed, suicide and even murder.[4] In this point, the role of a wife as Bhagini BharyŒ (sister) , MŒtu BharyŒ (mother) , Sakh´ BharyŒ (friend) and DŒsi BharyŒ (servant) can totally change harmfull situations in to a harmless way by using their good qualities as plus points, to maintain a happy marrage life.

Benefits which can gain from Pre marriage counselling

Premarital counselling offers several benefits that will help to strengthen marriage.

Resolve Past Issues

 If couples have any issues with past relationships, it is the time to discuss and resolve those issues so that they will not continue to haunt the marriage.

·         Discuss Future Plans

When a couple decides to get married, the future seems like it is still far away, but they should discuss their future plans. So that they both have reasonable expectations. How many children and when to start a family are large issues, but there are many more future plans to discuss. (Will both of them work after children are born? /Are they willing to move to another city to follow a job? / One checking account or two?)

·         Resolve Disagreements

Couples disagree about many things. Even small disagreements can lead to large relationship problems if they are not dealt with appropriately and with the proper respect. A marriage counsellor can help them identify potentially related issues that stem from disputes and offer ways to resolve these disputes before they leave lingering damage.

·         Handle Life Issues

How does a couple deal with disagreements about finances, mortgages, insurance, religion, or many other important life decisions? Pre-marriage counselling can help them identify the issues about which they may disagree and help them learn to resolve the disagreements before they become major obstacles in the marriage. After the counsellor has helped them work through a few compromises, a  couple will be better equipped to handle the next one on their own.

Personal viewpoints on Pre marriage counselling

According to my point of view, South Asian countries (such as India, Nepal, Sri Lanka….) have Brahmic influence. Though it is the millennium, still some people have those ideas. Therefore they need a brain wash through pre marriage counselling. If not they surely spoil their family life harassing their wives physically and mentally.

Buddhism solves matters while looking at it in the middle path. It has no extremes in any matter. In Buddhist commentaries, the Buddha showed that the importance of a happy married life because it is the ethical way which continue the generation. To establish a behavioural generation, a couple needs a counselling which makes them to understand the value of marriage life.

Some people neglect their parents when they married due to busy time table in their newly started life. A good counsellor should advise people about those kind of problems which can happen with knowing or without knowing. Then they will able to protect each and every relationship with fulfilling their responsibilities.

People have a narrow idea that, woman has a responsibility to protect her family life more than man. But I do not agree with that statement because, no one can clap by only one hand. To have a successful family life man’s contribution also should be in a similar level as same as a woman. So counsel's duty will be more successful if they remember this in pre marriage counsellings.

Conclusion

To conclude, pre marriage counselling has become a front line requirement in the modern society. It is the most successful way which can control the divorce cases. Buddhism shows a number of ways a couple can stay together with a lot of happiness and right understanding.

Women were treated desperately in early brahmic society. Some South Asian people still have earlier narrow brahmic ideas on their mind. Therefore through pre marrage counselling, the counseller can gradually remove those ideas which harrest the woman unreasonabally.

Bibliography

Primary Resourses

      Sattabariya sutta , Aºguttara NikŒya

      Sigalovada sutta ,Dīgha NikŒya

      SanvŒsa Sutta ,Aºguttara NikŒya

      îvenika Dukkha Sutta,

Secondary Resourses

      Bhikkhu Bodhi, In the Buddha’s Words, Wisdom, Boston, 2005.print

      http://www.the-spearhead.com, 7.15 p.m., 03.12.2013

      http://buddhaguna-chant.blogspot.com, 7.35 p.m., 03.12.2013

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[1] Sattabariya sutta , Aºguttara NikŒya

[2] Sattabariya sutta , Aºguttara NikŒya

[3]Sattabariya sutta , Aºguttara NikŒya

[4] What Buddhists Believe,chapter 12,K.Sri.Dhammananda